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Thursday, April 19th, 2007
7:16 pm
ITS MY BIRTHDAY IN 2 DAYS AND WE ARE GOIN CLUBBIN!!!!!! IT WILL BE FUN...IM REALLY EXCITED!!


ANOTHER THING: I DONT HAVE TO HAVE ANYONE BUY ME CIGARETTES AGAIN!!!
LOL

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Monday, March 5th, 2007
7:59 pm

so he loves me, but he isnt inlove with me anymore... 
and Im fine with it...
it didnt hurt to read that..

maybe a friendship could work after all... only, it might take a lil while longer



current mood: high

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Wednesday, February 21st, 2007
11:17 pm - thoughts

you know I got on here to write about pain and sorrow and blah blah blah...
but then I realized something... I DONT HAVE ANY OF THAT. its over, Im over it...
so why is that I like... trick myself into thinking about shit again... almost wanting the drama back..because i seriously dont have any in my life right now...shouldnt I be happy? I mean..I AM HAPPY.. but shouldnt I be content with the NO DRAMA. I mean thats what I DIDNT want..so why do I go looking for it? oh wow now I've gone and confused myself. lol 
I've been thinking alot about the Art Institute and Im not completely sure I want to go anymore... I dont know.. I probably should go if I am accepted..its a new start, with everything, new place, new people... the only thing Im not COMPLETELY thrilled about is the fact that I would be...alone..I mean until I can make some friends down there. but still I wont have my family to go visit or my friends.. Im leaving so many great friends.. and I feel that if I go away I might lose most if not all of them. I really hope I dont.. that would be good. if I can keep in contact and have them visit and have me visit...
At times, now, I feel lonely....what is that feeling gonna be like with everyone I love miles away... I guess maybe Im just getting cold feet... AND I HAVENT EVEN BEEN ACCEPTED! lol 
oh well
Im going to bed



current mood: anxious

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Tuesday, February 20th, 2007
10:03 pm - well geez
I've been looking in past entries of mine... looking for some answers to... NOW? I guess... I dont know. but I've decided that I CANT do that. I cant look at the past and tell myself its gonna end up that way again cuz I actually KNOW it wont.. I dont know if Im going to allow it to happen.

why the fuck am I caring so much?
could it be hes got me wrapped once again?

*sigh* I just dont want to get hurt..
and I definitely DONT want to hurt him..

current mood: confused

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9:12 pm
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Im so sick of myself...

current mood: frustrated

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Monday, February 19th, 2007
5:43 pm - yo
ya know..
its weird...
I really have nothing to say, I mean... there isnt really anything bothering me.. 
and well my life is uneventful
although I hung out with my girls Mindy and Nikki last night and that was a BLAST! 

so yeah...uh...thats it

current mood: calm

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Tuesday, February 6th, 2007
8:43 pm - time to say good bye
so we've said our final farewells... 

I cried, hopefully for the last time over him
I love him
but I know that sometimes you just have to move on
and I think with him finally saying what he wanted, I can do that 
knowing he wants nothing to do with me with prove positive in the long run.

and we did end it on a positive note so, it should be ok 

current mood: calm

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Sunday, February 4th, 2007
3:42 pm - well
I had fun this weekend... 
the attention I got, was cool.. I liked it.. 
but it didnt last long enough (not that I expected it to last too long)
 and now Im back to thinking about shit 
that I really do not want to be thinking about

why do I have to torture myself the way I do? what is up with that?

current mood: curious

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Wednesday, January 31st, 2007
8:00 pm - fuck this shit

I'm miserable...



current mood: depressed

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Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007
11:06 pm - its both our fault
"FUCK YOU AND YOUR BULLSHIT! ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS SIT AROUND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND SMOKE POT, INSTEAD OF MAKE SOMETHING OF YOURSELF!!! YOU ARE STUPID!! AND I DONT WANT TO BE APART OF IT ANYMORE...  I know I did stupid shit and acted like a girl, which I HATE! and I am sorry..BUT YOU HAVE TO OWN UP TO YOUR SIDE OF OUR  RELATIONSHIP! key word being OUR! I was retarded, I get it, and I really dont give a fuck but I apoligized. you LIED and bitched and said hurtful things... do I get an apology, NOPE! well fuck you... I need to stop caring what you think, cuz what you think is irrelavent... why should I care if I KNOW that everytime its gonna be something negative.  IM SO TIRED OF WATCHING MY WORDS AROUND YOU!!! I was me, but not completely and I somehow tricked myself into thinking that I was, with you. You were like a drug, I wanted you around all the time...I needed you all the time... but not anymore. All were ever going to do is hold me back, stay in YOUR world... and abandon mine...and it was cool for awhile I liked your world...but then there is just a point where you need to wake up and smell the fresh aroma of LIFE!!!! And I guess I've just chosen to a lil sooner than you... and I can respect that, so whatever do your thing...but I will not be joining you...not anymore. I DO love you and I will always love you, but lets face it...we dont fit...and we never have... which is the saddest thing to realize.  Im sorry for everything...everythiing you know I did, and everything you dont...Im sorry. trust is the key component in a relationship and I never deserved yours...."

this is what I would like to say to jordan, but we arent talking...
 But whatever. Im through with the bullshit, Im done with holding on... and Im ready to have fun...FINALLY!!! 

current mood: determined

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Monday, January 22nd, 2007
8:31 pm - you will reep what you so forget what you know this is me
you're inlove
and you never told me
keeping it a secret?
does it really matter?
no...
I dont care, lets be friends
I dont have to know 
I dont have to see
I dont really even have to understand...
but I do
no one can help how they feel...
its human nature
and you are no monster
be true to you
and everything will be ok
...i promise

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

something is eating away
at my soul...
its itching to get free 
to be let go, to experience...
I've had my full of this town
time to move on
something new.. 
is all i ask for...
 between old friends...
or better yet NEW friends..
I wont get that while Im here
but I can find some exciement
right?
hopefully...
I need out
I need new
I need.... 
ADVENTURE
EXCITEMENT
FUN!!!!
cant anyone give that to me? 
or are we all looking for the same thing?
maybe Ill have to wait 10 months
I PRAY its only 10 months
I need to spread my damn wings
and fucking  FLY!!
the boredom 
the every day shit
Im sick of it
Im sick of this 
Im sick of me
Im sick of here
Im sick of there
Im sick of nowhere to go
Im sick of school
Im sick of people
Im just....... sick of everything
the lies and false hope 
the fake love 
the true love
Im sick of feeling lonely...
Im sick of THINKING 
just...everything... 

can anyone just.. show me a good time? cuz I've ran out of ways... 
and some ways.. well, they're difficult to accomplish..sadly..
there is nothing left in this town for me...
its simple, I just want out.

current mood: restless

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7:03 pm - escaping = ultimate plan!
I want to escape...
forget all the bullshit thinking
forget all the questions
doubt
and fear... 
I want to escape...
to a far away land..
to somewhere I can start new
somewhere I can forget...
forget about the past
forget about all the heart aches
fights
and tears.. 
I want to escape... 

I wish I could forget... 

current mood: calm

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Sunday, January 21st, 2007
9:33 am - yo

dont you hate having so much to say, but then find yourself at a loss for words?
..........
.........................
......................................
.........................
.........
yup, still no words...huh



current mood: tired

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Wednesday, January 17th, 2007
7:26 pm - glad I got all that out
so Im pissed...
and confused..
and everything else anyone could feel...
I want to be over all of this. I want to start out new and stop living in the past. I never been able to let things go and just this one..PLEASE I WANT TO LET THIS ONE THING GO. its too painful and I wont do it anymore. I want to be ok with everything. I want to be ok with the fact that other girls will be talking to him and I want to be ok with the fact that I will be talking to other boys. But I get so shy and Im sick of it... I dont want to be shy anymore or closed off or any of that.. I just want to be me and have FUN and party and DANCE!! I love to dance...did anyone know that? ...probably not because the only people I truly get my groove on around is my family and haha HOLLI (I LOVE THAT GIRL) I dont want to be insecure about who I am anymore... I want the attitude that I can do whatever the fuck I want when I want.. and not feel embarassed.. 
Im 17 years old about to be 18 I SHOULD be comfortable in my own skin (around other people) by now..
I guess Im just afraid they will think Im stupid and not like me anymore.. but why shoud I care?? its none of their damn business how I act and if they dont like it..then fuck em! all of em!  I dont need people in my life that dont like me for me anyways.

thats another thing..Im sick and tired of all the fake ass bullshit that goes on around me...
I cant stand bitches who act like they adore you to your face and then go and tell people differently.. I want TRUE FRIENDS! The ones you can ALWAYS count on, who dont use you or take advantage of you, who will be down with you til the end! friends of a lifetime is what Im looking for.. and Im not saying I dont already have a couple of those... but its always good to have more right? I want some genuine love coming my way people. and honestly.. besides me family (that includes the close friends) I dont think Ill ever find it here...from anyone else.  I need to find all the new things outside of Lansing, outside of MICHIGAN! I just want out!!!!! 

for now...until I leave.. I just want some damn attention.. lol argh! I hate admitting that..but its true. I want to feel special... I want someone to need me or if not WANT me.. 

current mood: relaxed

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Monday, January 15th, 2007
3:39 pm - GOOD NEWS!

BABY NATALIJA BORN JAN.15 2007 AT 10:23PM. 6LBS 3OZ 20 INCHES. BEAUTIFUL!!!
BORN TO LOVING PARENTS HOLLY AND ELMO :D



ONLY TOOK HOLLY 5 MINS TO PUSH THAT STINKER OUT! LOL


I LOVE HER ALREADY.. SHE IS SO AMAZING...



current mood: excited

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Sunday, January 14th, 2007
1:26 am - so...

Im craving attention...



real bad..

real shitty of me..



current mood: selfish

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Wednesday, January 10th, 2007
5:14 pm
how could someone do something so awful...

force themselves upon someone...

MARK MY FUCKING WORDS... THE GUY WILL FUCKING PAY!!!!!!!


no one fucks with my family


current mood: crushed

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Tuesday, January 9th, 2007
11:12 pm - do I really still like him?
I dont know what it is... 
I cant stop thinking about him... 
I thought maybe those feelings were gone..but.. maybe not?
WELL GEEZ!!! 
more to fuckin think about...
I HATE BEING OBSESSIVE!! GAHH!!


all I wanted was to have some fun... damnit

current mood: confused

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Monday, January 8th, 2007
11:57 pm - ARGH!
FUCKING PEOPLE PISS ME OFF!!!

DONT LIE
DONT CHEAT
DONT FUCKING PUT ME IN THE MIDDLE!!!


you dont know why she was so upset??
and what I had to do with it?
 yeah fucking right!!


stupid shit - its just not worth it man... it just isnt!


current mood: pissed off

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9:38 pm - second one in a ROW...weird
so what is it with relationships now-a-days? everything seems to be so complicated...

and I dont want to get in the middle...


people who have the person they love...and have everything figured out.. I envy.. good for them.. BRAVA!! lol
people who just have their shit figured out I envy...haha

oh well.. I need something..uh...special..from someone...special..lol hahahahahaha not really someone special but yeah.. I just need it! hahahahahahaha

OH and Z... IM HORNY STILL!!!!lol hahaha cuz no one has done shit to help me out..:P oh well.. Ill just have to wait.. someone will come along.

current mood: crazy

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